<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=82 BGCOLOR="#006699" TEXT="#080000" background="210fd521erlcgo.jpg"> <bR> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#FFCC66" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="20fd2993.jpg"> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=398 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>Lawyer Jokes</I></div> <div> <A HREF="id20.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Jokes"><U><B><U>Jokes</U></B></U></A></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Lawyer Jokes</div> <bR> <div> Rumor has it that B.L. (Before Lawyers, of course), the world was an altogether more pleasant place -- one where peace and tranquility reigned and argumentative people were consigned to caves in the exurbs. </div> <div> But one aspect of life in the B.L. era was clearly inferior. There just wasn't much to laugh at. </div> <bR> <div> Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?</div> <div> A: 1) Lawyers don't think they're funny </div> <div> 2) nobody else thinks they're jokes.</div> <div> Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?</div> <div> A: Sue.</div> <bR> <div> Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?</div> <div> A: Depends on how thin you slice them.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?</div> <div> A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.</div> <bR> <div> Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?</div> <div> A: He saw a car accident on the other side.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What are some of the requirements to becoming a lawyer?</div> <div> A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and child abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?</div> <div> A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while, "I'm gonna sue!!" </div> <bR> <div> Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?</div> <div> A: Even hyenas has some dignity.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?</div> <div> A: An impossibility.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?</div> <div> A: Stick his bill up his ass.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?</div> <div> A: People do not run over the same pothole more than once</div> <bR> <div> <B><U>TOP 10 REASONS WHY LAWYERS SHOULD REPLACE LAB RATS</U></B></div> <bR> <div> 10. There is an endless supply</div> <div> 9. Lab assistants don't get attached to them</div> <div> 8. It's more fun to shave and stick needles in lawyers</div> <div> 7. There are some things rats just won't do</div> <div> 6. It's fun to dispose of them when you're through</div> <div> 5. It's not "inhumane" treatment, when it comes to lawyers</div> <div> 4. No one cares when a lawyer squeals</div> <div> 3. We've seen what happens when they are allowed to breed freely</div> <div> 2. Lawyers belong in cages</div> <div> And the #1 reason lawyers should replace lab rats--</div> <div> 1. Animal rights activist don't care if you experiement on them</div> <bR> <div> Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?</div> <div> A: Shoot the lawyer twice.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?</div> <div> A: A good start!</div> <bR> <div> Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?</div> <div> A: His lips are moving.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?</div> <div> A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?</div> <div> A: Not enough sand.</div> <bR> <div> The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >"I can arrange some things for you, "</FONT>the devil said. <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."</FONT></div> <div> The lawyer thought for a moment. <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >"What's the catch?" </FONT>he asked</div> <bR> <div> Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?</div> <div> A: No</div> <bR> <div> Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?</div> <div> A: The bucket.</div> <bR> <div> Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?</div> <div> A. In the cemetery.</div> <bR> <div> Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?</div> <div> A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?</div> <div> A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?</div> <div> A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.</div> <bR> <div> Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?</div> <div> A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.</div> <bR> <div> Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?</div> <div> A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to read precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?</div> <div> A: Their personalities.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?</div> <div> A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?</div> <div> A: No changes occur.</div> <bR> <div> Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?</div> <div> A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.</div> <bR> <div> Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?</div> <div> A: Never enough.</div> <bR> <div> Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?</div> <div> A: An ambulance stopped suddenly</div> <bR> <div> Q: What do lawyers do after they die?</div> <div> A: They lie still.</div> <bR> <div> When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.</div> <div> When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.</div> <bR> <div> Q. Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York all the lawyers????</div> <div> A. New jersey got to pick first!</div> <bR> <div> A guy phones a law firm and says, <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="kidprint" >"I want to speak to my lawyer." </FONT>The receptionist says, <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="kidprint" >"I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." </FONT>The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="kidprint" >"I want to speak to my lawyer." </FONT>Once again the receptionist replies,<FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="kidprint" > "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." </FONT></div> <div> The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="kidprint" >"I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," </FONT>the receptionist says, <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="kidprint" >"but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" </FONT>The guy replies, <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FF00" FACE="kidprint" >"Because I love hearing it!" </FONT></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>